Mind Reading: How to Cope with Pain Series

No, this post isn’t about telepathy. It’s about a common problem faced by people with chronic pain and how to overcome it.

Mind reading defined

The phrase “mind reading” is a piece of technical jargon used in cognitive behavioral therapy and chronic pain rehabilitation programs. It refers to a particular type of thinking in which a person thinks that other people are judging him or her even though the other people might not ever say anything. As such, mind reading is a type of thinking that involves an assumption – an assumption that you know what others are thinking.

Mind reading involves two essential components. First, it is an assumption in which you think you know what others are thinking. Second, you assume that what others are thinking are negative judgments about you.

Mind reading typically occurs without much awareness on the part of the person who is doing it. When engaged in mind reading, you don’t intentionally set out to do it. Rather, it happens almost automatically. Before you even know it, you’re doing it, thinking that others are judging you and coming to feel judged and reacting accordingly. It’s for this reason that psychologists consider mind reading as a type of automatic negative thought. (We have previously discussed a different type of automatic negative thought in our blog post on catastrophizations.)

Typically, mind reading doesn’t accurately represent what others are really thinking. When engaged in mind reading, we tend to think we know what others are thinking of us, but this ‘knowing’ is more often than not an unwarranted assumption. Usually, we really can’t say with any degree of certainty that the assumption is accurate. Indeed, if we step back and think about it, as we are doing right now, it might be more accurate to say that most people don’t spend a lot of time judging us as they go about their own life activities. In reality, most people are too involved in their own business to notice us with any more than a casual glance in our direction. Despite this fact, when mind reading, the assumption that others are negatively judging us feels so accurate. We feel so certain that they are judging us. As such, we simply react as if it is really happening when in all likelihood it isn’t. Psychologists oftentimes call mind reading a type of cognitive distortion. In other words, mind reading is a type of thinking (i.e., cognition) that distorts reality, leading us to believe things and react to others in ways that aren’t accurate to what’s really going on in the thoughts of others.

Mind reading leads to emotional and behavioral reactions that are indicative of being judged by others, even though, typically, in reality, the other people aren’t really judging us. We might feel anxious or ashamed or angry or defensive. We might start fretting about why people are so judgmental or what we might say if they say something first. We might also change our plans in response to these perceived judgments of others. You might, for instance, hurry through the grocery store because you just ‘know’ that everyone is judging you by the way they look at you. Maybe, you leave the family reunion early because you just ‘know’ that Aunt So-and-So is snickering behind your back. Such thoughts and their subsequent feelings and behaviors typically occur automatically, in the background of your awareness, and it all goes on unquestioningly, without you ever checking it out against reality.

Every one of us engages in mind reading. Some people only do it on occasion and as such it doesn’t cause a whole lot of problems. Some people, though, engage in it more often. For them, it can become problematic.

It’s stressful to feel as if you are the object of judgment. It wears on your ability to cope with the problems of life. It saps your enthusiasm for the activities of life. It can also lead to anxiety of different kinds as well as depression. (We bring this fact up not to judge, but simply to acknowledge it and provide an explanation.)

So, while everyone does it, we can see mind reading as a type of thinking that occurs along a spectrum from those who do it less often to those who do it more often.

Mind reading and living with chronic pain

Mind reading can occur in all walks of life including in those who live with chronic pain. No doubt, at least some readers have already started to apply this notion of mind reading to themselves and have begun to identify examples of it from their own lives.

Countless patients over the years have expressed to me their ambivalence over the use of a disability parking permit. They report feeling conspicuous when they park in a disability marked spot, thinking that they need to justify their use of the spot to every passerby. I have had a few patients acknowledge that they really don’t need their cane, in terms of the potential of falling, but carry one anyway because it signals to others that their slow gait is justified. Countless patients have reported that they hardly ever go to parties anymore because they know that everyone judges them if they acknowledge that they aren’t working and are disabled.

Notice the assumptions that are happening in these examples. In each, the people think they know that others are judging them for having chronic pain or being disabled by pain and have subsequently changed their behavior as result. It’s like there is a persistent low-grade fear that pervades their daily experience – a subtle worry of what others think and what they might say, given a chance. Notice, too, that such subtle worry or fretting so often goes on automatically and unquestioningly, without a lot of awareness, at least until it gets named.

The persistent, low-grade nature of mind reading can take a toll. Such worry and fretting take energy. It’s one more drain of energy among all the other drains that can occur when living with chronic pain (such as insomnia, sedating medications, and the pain itself). It can come to justify social isolation and lack of activity outside the home. Mind reading can also lead to anxiety and depression and can even trigger panic if you are already prone to such problems.

In all, when it comes to living with chronic pain, mind reading makes coping with pain more difficult.

Common reactions to learning about mind reading

The notion of mind reading is commonly introduced and discussed in cognitive behavioral therapy and in the coping skills training courses that occur in a chronic pain rehabilitation program. Usually, once introduced, patients know exactly what we are talking about and can quickly come up with examples from their own lives. As discussed earlier, everyone does it, including those with chronic pain.

However, some people become troubled by the discussion and express one of two common objections.

One objection is that the notion of mind reading seems like a judgment itself. In other words, it seems like a criticism and that what we are saying is that people worry too much about what other people are thinking.

The intention, here, is not to criticize, but simply to acknowledge a problem that we all share to one extent or another. We don’t want to be in a position in which we maintain a pretense that we never worry or fret about what other people think of us. We all do it. There need be no shame in acknowledging it and nor should it be a criticism to talk about how we each do it. Moreover, it is a mark of strength to acknowledge one’s own problems, learn about them, and to learn about how to overcome them. Our discussion today is simply an opportunity to learn about a common problem and how to overcome it.

The other objection is that sometimes other people really do judge or criticize us. You may have someone in your life right now who does it. Perhaps it is a spouse or other family member or your supervisor at work. Maybe they tend to doubt the legitimacy of your pain or your sense of disability and have expressed, “Aw, come on now, it can’t be that bad!” Such judgments hurt and can make a lasting impression. You fret about it now, having conversations in your head with this person about what you could or should have said. These kinds of judgments from someone close to you and the resulting fretting can easily lead to persistent, low-grade worry that maybe everyone judges you similarly. This worry then can further lead to changing your behavior in public or with family in anticipation of what these other people might say. Notice how easy it is to start mind reading.

So, yes, the objection is a point well taken. Other people can in fact be judgmental.

And yet, is this fact the exception or the rule? Might we not agree that most people, most of the time, are simply too preoccupied by their own thoughts and worries to notice us, let alone think about us for long enough to actually judge us? I think most of us would agree that people don’t judge us as much as we tend to think they do.

It is this tendency that we are discussing – the tendency to mind read. So, while it is true that sometimes people really do judge us, maybe we can also spend too much time and energy worrying and fretting about what others think of us because in reality most people aren’t judging us.

So, what can we do about it?

Overcoming mind reading

The first step in overcoming the tendency to mind read is to simply learn about it, as we are right now. The second step is to learn to identify it in yourself. The third step is to get good at challenging it, once identified, by talking yourself through it in the moment.

As described above, usually the notion of mind reading gets introduced in cognitive behavioral therapy or in the group coping skills training within a chronic pain rehabilitation program. The discussion involves the use of examples, sometimes made up examples, but other times examples from the actual lives of patients. By using examples, the component parts of mind reading are identified and clarified. The use of this post is intended to provide a somewhat similar experience for the reader.

The next step is for you, the reader, to consider the role of mind reading in your life. Reflect on when you might do it and identify some examples from your own life. Perhaps, discuss them with your health psychologist or while you participate in your chronic pain rehabilitation program.

What you are doing while reflecting on examples from your daily life is getting better at identifying instances of mind reading. It’s important to develop this skill of identifying instances of mind reading in your life. As you get good at it, you can then use it to identify instances of mind reading in the moment. It’s the skill of becoming more aware of what it is that you are thinking and recognizing in the moment that you are engaged in mind reading – worrying about what others are thinking of you and changing your behavior accordingly.

The skill of being able to identify or recognize that you are mind reading is an example of a more broad skill that psychologists call developing an ‘observational self’ (what was once called an ‘observing ego’). An observational self is the ability to step out of any given moment and reflect on what we are thinking and feeling and doing. In short, it is our ability to think about our thinking. It is our observational self that allows us to be able to step out of the moment and recognize that we are mind reading – “Oh, there I go again, I’m mind reading right now.”

Without an ability to step out of the moment and recognize that we are mind reading, we go on in life engaged in mind reading without awareness, allowing it to guide our behavior and sap our energy and abilities to cope with pain. So, this skill of being able to identify and recognize our thinking is important.

But, what do we do once we recognize in the moment that we are mind reading?

You use your understanding to provide reassurance that your mind reading is unwarranted and as such you can be more self-confident in your daily activities. This further skill takes practice.

Say, for example, you go to the grocery store and park in a disability spot because you have a disability permit. You are not in a wheelchair, though, and so as you get out of your vehicle you start to worry about what others are thinking of you. Initially, you are automatically convinced that they are thinking, ‘Hey, what’s wrong with you? You don’t look disabled! You shouldn’t be parking there!’ You start to feel nervous and look down as you walk into the store, not wanting to make eye contact with anyone. But then you recall our discussion and this notion of mind reading. You use your understanding of it to identify that you are doing it right now! You think to yourself, “Oh, there I go again!”

As a result of this recognition, you talk yourself through it. You recall that mind reading relies on an unwarranted assumption – that just because some people are judgmental doesn’t mean that everyone is judgmental. You subsequently reassure yourself that in all likelihood the people passing you by right now are not judging you. Instead, they are likely lost in their own thoughts, hardly noticing you. You can then say to yourself, “I can be confident right now” and you lift your head up walk into the store.

Now, of course, at first you are not going to be very good at it. You might fail to recognize that you are mind reading and only come to think about it long after the fact. At other times, you might recognize it, but be unable to stop it or provide any meaningful reassurance to yourself. For instance, you might try to reassure yourself, but the words seem flat and empty. In other words, the nervousness of worrying what others are thinking might continue to get the best of you.

With practice, however, you will get better at it. Over time, you come to believe your reassuring self-talk more and more. Maybe you also start predicting that you will start mind reading before you even do it and begin providing reassurance preemptively. At some point, with practice, you begin to notice a budding sense of self-confidence. You find that you are a little lighter in your step and have a little more energy when you are out in public or when you are spending time with family.

As you practice, it’s important to recognize that you will never get to the point where you won’t ever mind read again. No matter how good you get at recognizing your mind reading and providing yourself with reassurance, you will never gain one hundred percent control over your thoughts and be able to stop mind reading forever.

A more realistic goal is to get to a point, with practice, where you engage in mind reading less and less often and that, when you do mind read, you catch it early in the process and successfully provide yourself with reassurance. When you can do all that, you will be more self-confident and better able to cope with pain.

Author: Murray J. McAllister, Psy.D.

Date of last modification: 9-8-2014

2 thoughts on “Mind Reading: How to Cope with Pain Series

  1. But what if you are not really mind reading but its more like once bitten twice shy kind of thing…using a handicap parking sticker and getting ridiculed a few times makes every glance seem the same non verbal judgment….worse is the verbal its all in your head or you just need to loose weight…. when ppl say things like this what else are we supposed to think and how could one feel anything else but the shame others intend you receive…

    • Hi Angelina,
      Thanks for the great comments and question. The phrase ‘mind reading’ is just a catchphrase for worrying about what others are thinking about you or changing your behavior in anticipation of someone saying something — even when others don’t say or do anything in actuality. The situations you describe is different. You describe people who actually say something or do something offensive to you. So, you are right, the latter situations are different because people are actually saying or doing something to hurt your feelings. In these kinds of situations, the common response is to feel shame. It’s important that in these kinds of situations we try to reality check what they are saying — just because people sometimes say hurtful things it doesn’t mean that what they are saying is true. It’s also important to get support from others so that we can become more confident in knowing what is true, and knowing that what offensive people say is not true. Of course, everything I am saying is easier said than done. However, the more we practice not allowing offensive people to have the power to affect how we feel about ourselves, the better we will get at it.
      Thanks again for the comments!

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